The scene: Yesterday evening. A secret chamber hidden beneath the backyard of an otherwise normal-looking house. A cauldron bubbles, sending forth green smoke and an acrid smell. A man and a small child are standing by the cauldron. Both wear long robes imprinted with mysterious celestial symbols.
Mr. R: You did good listening, coming to the secret cave for our plot, Little Miss R.
Little Miss R: Call me Ariel.
Mr. R: Fine, Ariel. But this is why we’re here, Little Miss–ah, Ariel. Mommy has a lot of work to do; did you know that? Everything Mommy is working on for all her jobs—it’s all due sometime in January. It’s called a deadline.
Little Miss R: Ok, but remember, I’m Ariel. I’m a princess mermaid. Fairy.
Mr. R: Fine, fine. You’re all those things. Anyway, We don’t want Mommy to forget us, do we?
Little Miss R: (horrified voice) No!
Mr. R: Then here’s what I have in mind: tonight we’re going to wake her up a whole bunch. Both of us.
Little Miss R: Can I be a fairy mermaid pirate?
Mr. R: Sure.
Little Miss R: I will holler during the night. “Arrr, matey!”
Mr. R: No, no, we want to keep her sympathy.
Little Miss R: What is sympee?
Mr. R: Never mind. I’m thinking you could have [description of dramatic bodily function, redacted to preserve LMR’s youthful dignity]. And do it during the night. When the clock starts with 3, ok?
Little Miss R: Ok! And then I will pretend to go back to sleep. But I will holler again. “Arr, matey!”
Mr. R: (stern look)
Little Miss R: I mean, I will holler that my foot hurts. But it won’t really.
Mr. R: Great. We’ll let Mommy take care of you the first time. The second time—when you’re pretending to have a hurt foot—it’ll be my turn to come. But I won’t wake up! Isn’t that fun? So Mommy will wake up again, and have to wake me up. And then when I’m done talking to you about your foot—
Little Miss R: It’ll be fine! My foot won’t really hurt!
Mr. R: I know. When I’m done talking to you about it, I’ll come back into my room and tell Mommy about it. Just to make sure she stays awake.
Little Miss R: Ok! But what if she goes to sleep and forgets us then?
Mr. R: Hmm. How about this? I’ll fall asleep right away, but I’ll move around a lot. And then I’ll elbow her in the head.
Little Miss R: Ok!
Mr. R: And then I’ll keep doing it. If she’s awake, she can’t forget about us, right? Even if we’re asleep.
Little Miss R: Ok! And can we sleep late and both be cranky when Mommy wakes us up?
Mr. R: Yes. We should do that.
Little Miss R: Ok!
Mr. R: All right, that’ll be the plan. Now let’s go back into the house. Mommy thinks we’re reading a story, but if we’re gone too long, she might figure out about the secret room. Here, give me your robe imprinted with mysterious celestial symbols.
Little Miss R: Whachoo say?
Mr. R: Your robe. I’ve got it. Whoops, and let me just turn off the cauldron.
Little Miss R: I’m so excited for our plan!
Mr. R: I think it’ll be a great success.
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4 users responded in this post
Adorable. I can see it so very clearly, secret plots and hard to wake fathers. Very funny. I’ve lived that night, but the difference in my story is that nothing wakes up the sleeping father.
Gayle–it has to be a plot, right? There’s no way there could be such a perfect storm of shenanigans otherwise. And, as you say, it happens to pretty much all moms.
I’m going to need a lot of coffee today.
*DIES LAUGHING* I’m sorry you had such a rotten night, but this was hilarious. I think whatever bad juju my kids have that are causing them to wake up multiple times a night must be contagious. Apologies again.
Glad you enjoyed it.
I *know* this is what really happened.
What’s waking these kids up so much? Changes in the barometric pressure? There must be some reason in addition to “secret plots.”
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