Phones: A Drama in Three Acts

The scene: My house. Yesterday.

Act One: Chips on the Line

TR: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Long-Suffering and Talented Indiv– [sound of potato chips being crushed in front of a microphone]
Long-Suffering and Talented Individual: You’re welcome. Are you eating potato chips in front of a microphone?
TR: Not this time. (looks out window) I think the neighbors’ construction has done something drastic to our landline.
LSTI: [reply drowned out by sound of crunching static]
TR: Exactly.

Act Two: The Husband’s Panic

Mr. R: (dashes into office in a tizzy)§ You need to turn your cell phone on!
TR: (with great dignity, holds up cell phone to display its on-ness) It IS on. Why?
Mr. R: Because I’ve been trying to call you and I can’t get through on the landline or on your cell phone.
TR: Is everything ok?
Mr. R: Except for our phones, yes. (tests phones and shakes head with expression of disgust) Nothing. They’re both out.
TR: So you’re saying that independently of one another, our landline and my cell phone have stopped working. On the same day.
Mr. R: It seems so.
TR: Skynet?
Mr. R: It seems so.

Act Three: Hypothetical Pets

TR: Mr. R was certainly in a tizzy.§ I shall endeavor to shoot the troubles for these phones. (logs on to landline tech support site)
Landline Tech Support Site: “The site is currently down. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
TR: Skynet! But I remain undaunted. (calls cell phone tech support number using landline)
Long-Suffering Tech Support Person: Hello. May I have your [remainder of request drowned out by sound of crunching static]
TR: I’m sorry, I’m having some phone troub– [crunching static]
LSTSP: That’s [static]. Can I just have the [static] of your pet to verify your identity as the account holder?
TR: Sorry, the what?
LSTSP: The name of your pet. So I can access your account.
TR: …I don’t have a pet.
LSTSP: Um. Did someone else set up this account for you?
TR: No.
LSTSP: Um.
TR: [static]

§ Yes. Tizzy.