Perhaps you’ve heard this from your significant other. Perhaps you picked up on the fact when you went into a grocery store and ZOMG EVERYTHING WAS PINK AND RED.

Or perhaps you’ve been following the Sealed with a Kiss series, run by Not Another Romance Blog and Ramblings from This Chick? I sure hope so, because that series is most excellent fun. Remember how those lovely blogmistresses set up a Christmas series, with short stories by historical romance authors? This February series welcomes authors back–one a day for two weeks–and is featuring love letters between a hero and heroine.

You’re probably thinking I have a reason for mentioning this. Well, yes. I highly recommend hopping over to the two blogs and reading all the letters so far, but while you’re at it, you can, you know, read some letters I wrote. The hero and heroine of SEASON FOR TEMPTATION, James and Julia, wrote each other a few letters about two months after the end of the book. If you’ve read SFT, you might guess that food is involved in some way. You’re right. (No, not in *that* way. At least, not that they wrote about in the letters.)

Need a bribe? It’s ok if you do. I’m giving away two signed copies of SFT, one at each site. Here’s James’s letter to Julia (read this one first). And here’s Julia’s letter to James.

Hope you enjoy! And be sure to stop by the Sealed with a Kiss series each day through the 14th. More letters and more giveaways every day. 

Another fun fact? Joan and I share an editor and agent. So naturally we had to sit down for a virtual chat about romance genres, her inspiration for FEVER, and…yeah, that tree question. (Sorry about that, Joan.)

Firstly! Here’s the cover copy for FEVER:

Dr. Alyssa Foster will admit to a bad boy fetish…

But when she finds herself face to face with a convicted murderer with a ripped body, a determination for freedom and an eye on her as his get out of jail free card, Alyssa knows she’s in deep trouble…. Not just because Teague Creek is a prisoner desperate for freedom, but because his every touch makes her desperate for more.

A man with a life sentence has nothing to lose…

Teague Creek has one shot at freedom, but his plan to escape with a hostage develops a fatal flaw: Alyssa. On the run from both the law and deadly undercover operatives who know of his strange abilities, he needs to avoid trouble, but every heated kiss tells him the fire between them could be just as devastating as the flames that changed him forever.

Let’s find out a bit more. Thanks, Joan, for being here!

*     *     *

Your debut novel, FEVER, is a sexy mixture of suspense, mystery, paranormal ability, and road romance. What draws you to romantic suspense, and what inspired the plot of FEVER?

Romantic suspense intertwines two types of intensity, providing a deeper experience. When romantic suspense is done well, the two threads are interdependent on each other. Without the romance, the suspense would fizzle. Without the suspense, the romance would fall flat. The two storylines give the writer endless opportunities for conflict and tension, and offer the reader a rollercoaster of excitement, allowing for maximum escape. Conflict, intensity and depth–that’s what draws me to romantic suspense.

FEVER developed from one of those “What if..?” moments in my own daily life. I’ve been a sonographer for twenty years, and one of the hospitals where I worked gained a huge prisoner clientele over a year’s time span. I went from scanning two or three prisoners a week to scanning five to eight prisoners every single morning. I spent half my day surrounded by guards and inmates.

The more I understood their routines and procedures, the more clearly I recognized how easily something could go wrong–with something as simple as one tip off from someone inside the hospital to a prisoner’s family member, or one officer off his game that day. Many, many times I was left in dangerous situations with prisoners that should have never been allowed to exist. I was lucky; nothing ever happened. But that didn’t keep me from thinking, “What if…?” Everything else stemmed from there.

With a book called FEVER, it’s important to have a hot cover. Success! But your cover’s also got some symbolic elements. Can you tell us more about your hero, Teague, and his tattoos?

The tattoos on the book cover are not the same as the tattoos Teague sports in the book. That’s because the tattoos in the book signify orientation to a racially motivated prison gang. If you’ve watched any prison show or even know a little about prison life, you’ll know that inside prison, all inmates stay alive through affiliations. If not through a gang, through another powerful protective force, like a lover or a boss. In prison, gangs are racially oriented–white supremacists, black, Asian, and Mexican. If you’re Mexican, don’t be expected to be welcome in the African American gang.

Teague is Caucasian. He’s successfully stayed alive in prison for three years. Therefore, he has conformed to a certain degree to the Aryan Brotherhood ways. His tattoos are based on his affiliation with that gang, but there is an even more significant element to the tattoos that I can’t divulge here. Let me just say, I can promise you’ll love it when you find out in chapter eight of FEVER.

Teague escapes prison with one of his gang brothers. This gang brother, unlike Teague, is a true Aryan believer, and when he encounters my heroine who is part Asian, acts in perfect white supremacist fashion and is very generous with racial slurs, as he is when they run into a group of black gang bangers at a different point in the story. This character is arrogant and cruel and unpleasant, but had I put a white supremacist with an Asian and African American and left out the racial slurs, the book would have been inauthentic.

Not to worry, readers! Karma–something I’m a firm believer in–comes back for this character, even before you discover the secret to Teague’s tattoos!

What do you love the most about your hero and heroine? What do you think readers will love the most?

What I love most about Teague and Alyssa is that they’re both such strong people. I especially love how this ordeal brings out both their survival streaks as well as their softer sides. Teague has been put through hell unjustly, yet has retained his human decency. Alyssa has been dragged into this against her will, but has retained enough compassion to recognize a man in need.

What I think readers will love most about Teague and Alyssa is their chemistry. They are well matched and challenge one another at every turn—emotionally, physically, intellectually.

FEVER kicks off your “Phoenix Rising” series. Did you always foresee the story as part of a series? Are there continuing plot threads?

I saw Phoenix Rising as a series because the plot for FEVER included a specialized group of firefighters, and the more I got to know the group, the more I realized each member would need their own story. Don’t they always? Therefore, each novel will have its own individual plot as well as continue the overarching plot for the series.

Here’s a look at Phoenix Rising: A mysterious explosion at a military warehouse injuries a team of seven hazmat firefighters, killing one. The contents of the building, extremely confidential and dangerous radioactive chemicals used by the Department of Defense in secretive scientific experiments, have inflicted the team with various paranormal abilities. Abilities the government wants to study covertly. Abilities the team wants to understand and expose. With military advancement and national power at risk on one side, and personal health and freedom on the other, each group is fighting for precious stakes.

What is your writing routine like? How do you balance writing with other demands on your time?

I have no real routine. I wouldn’t be picked first for the gymnastics team—my balance isn’t what it should be or could be. Well, okay…it sucks! I’m easily distracted as well as a master procrastinator. Not a good combo. I typically work best under pressure—for production, not emotional stability. Balance is something I’m constantly working on.

What’s an intriguing tidbit of information you’ve turned up while researching your books?

Oh, boy, all kinds of stuff! And, wow, useful, too–like clover tattoos on the knuckles are an Aryan Brotherhood insignia, and Glock semiautomatics don’t have safeties. But best of all, I learned that human antibiotics are used to treat common fish ailments and are sold over the counter at pet stores. Bet you can’t wait to see how I used that one in FEVER!!

If you were a tree, what kind would you be? (I’ve always wanted to ask this.)

I had to ask my husband this. He immediately answered aspen, because their roots spread underground and there are always new shoots sprouting up everywhere.

If you knew my penchant for starting new creative ventures (as in not just a new hobby, but turning that hobby into a business of some sort) every time a fresh idea sparked me, you’d be laughing your ass off right now. We were at breakfast when he told me this and I actually spit up my drink.

As an aside, when I was checking my data to make sure my hubby was right (not that he isn’t always right *eye roll*), I found another little interesting fact: aspens are able to survive forest fires because their roots are below the heat of the fire and new roots grow after the fire burns out.

I think one of the reasons I’m always trying new things and starting new ventures is because even when things go wrong or I’m disappointed, I may hibernate for a while, but for some reason my hopes never seem to fully die out. Before long, I’m ready to try something new again.

How’s that for analogy?

[TR: That is a world-class analogy. I love it. And I'll never dare ask the tree question again. Who could top that answer??]

What’s next for you?

I’m currently revising a 2x Golden Heart finalist manuscript, which I plan on publishing as an Indie ebook in April. It’s a romantic suspense that I absolutely love and am enjoying bringing life into with polished writing techniques.

I recently finished a revamp on my option proposal to Kensington to continue the Phoenix Rising series with INFERNO, and I hope that goes through because I’d love, love, love to write Quaid and Jessica’s story.

Many thanks, Joan, for this interview. And congratulations on the upcoming release of FEVER!

*     *     *

We promised you a contest, and you shall have it. Pop over to the Contest page of my website and enter anytime in February for a chance to win a copy of FEVER! Joan’s debut releases February 28, and the contest ends February 29. The winner will have a choice between the print and digital versions. Cool, huh? (Please note: If you leave a comment on this post, you won’t be entered in the contest. But you will get to chat with Joan!)

Or if you want a sure thing, you can pre-order FEVER any number of places: Indiebound • B & N • Powell’s • Books-a-Million • Amazon

Joan Swan is a triple RWA® Golden Heart finalist. She writes sexy romantic suspense with a paranormal twist, and her first novel with Kensington Brava, FEVER, debuts Feb. 28, 2012.  BLAZE follows in October 2012.  Currently, she works as a sonographer at a one of the top ten medical facilities in the nation, and lives in magnificent wine country on the central coast of California with her husband and two daughters. Visit Joan on the web at http://joanswan.com, or find her on Facebook, Twitter, or her blog.

Well. I love silent films. So how could I resist a new one? I couldn’t. And I’m so glad I didn’t, because the story is beautifully acted and beautifully filmed.

I’m not going to write a review of THE ARTIST—that’s already been done by numerous professional critics. Instead, I’ll tell you three things I really admired about the way the story was told. I think these lessons can also apply to writers.

1. History serves the story and moves the plot.
Our hero, George Valentin, is a movie star at the end of the silent era (about 1927-29). This sets the movie firmly in time alongside, for example, the events of SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN.

George loves his work, and he loves his fame. He does not love the idea of filming in sound. So when the studio doesn’t pick up his option, he bankrolls his next film himself and produces it as a silent. In other words, George is looking out for George, and he’s doing just fine, thanks.

Except. His self-funded movie releases on October 25, 1929, the day after the great stock market crash. The crash—not his refusal to adapt to sound, and not his decision to finance his own movie—is what wipes him out financially.

I liked this storytelling choice very much. First, it allows us to continue to respect the hero’s decision-making ability (for a while longer, at least). Second, it adds to the powerful sense of place and time.

Lesson for writers: If familiar events and motivations can be integrated into the plot or the characters’ decisions, that will make the story-world seem all the more real.

2. The method of storytelling enhances the story.
I wondered, before seeing THE ARTIST, if its silence was just a gimmick to draw attention to the film. After seeing it, I can heartily confirm that’s not the case; in fact, the silence is essential to the film’s success. That’s because this “silence” comes in several degrees, including:

• Complete silence. No music. Nothing. This is such a startling technique that it holds a great deal of power and is reserved for emotional crises.
• No dialogue; music track. This is a standard way of presenting a silent film, so it’s the “default” and does not draw attention to itself.
• No dialogue; music and sound effects. This is used to great effect to represent the breakdown of George’s world, as well as his isolation from it.

Each of these levels of silence/sound has its own implications and resonance. The blend of sound and image was carefully calculated for maximum impact.

Lesson for writers: Plot and character are only part of a story. The way the story is told—information given or withheld, language made sweeping or spare—can contribute greatly to its richness.

3. Just when you thought you understood the whole story…surprise!
One final plot point slips by in a hurry, but it’s crucial. In fact, it changed the way I thought about the whole movie.

George has just one line of dialogue in the movie. Very near the end, he says “With pleasure” in a thick-as-crème-anglaise French accent.

Whoa. George is French. That’s important.

For most of the movie, the viewer could assume George was American. He was a king in silent Hollywood, and so we assumed, when his studio dropped him, that it was because he was reluctant to make a sound film. But when I thought back, the scene showing his firing seemed very different. George wasn’t even offered the chance to make a sound film. His studio simply abandoned him as unsuitable.

This happened all the time, folks. Hollywood in the silent era was a veritable UN for talent, because there were no language barriers in silent film. But when US studios started making sound films, they had a stable of talented foreign-born actors with thick accents. Actors with accents simply didn’t make the transition, because the sound quality of early microphones was too poor to tolerate vocal diversity.*

When we learn George is French, then, we learn that his profession has changed even more than we thought. Simply put, there might not be a place for him in this new cinematic world—at least, not in the US. And his future, even with a promising new romance to buoy him, is more uncertain than we realized.

Lesson for writers: To engage readers’ minds, lay the groundwork—and then twist the story in an unexpected way.

Addendum: After I wrote this post, I found an article in which star Jean Dujardin addresses this very issue, saying the implications of George’s accent weren’t intentional on the part of the filmmakers. So maybe there’s another lesson here: every storytelling experience includes two minds–the mind of the creator, and the mind of the consumer. In a rich story, everyone will pick out different bits to savor.

*     *     *

To sum up my summary, then—THE ARTIST is, at its heart, a very well-told story; an excellent marriage of story and technique. I think this is why it’s winning so many awards worldwide. Good storytelling is just as universal as silent film itself.

Have you seen THE ARTIST? Are you interested in watching a silent film? I’d be happy** to throw a recommendation your way if you tell me the type of story you like.

*     *     *

*The single notable exception is Greta Garbo. Yet Garbo took three years to prepare for her 1930 sound debut, which made her the last major silent star to take the sound-film plunge.

**massive understatement

I’ve been pondering this for a while—specifically, since Season for Temptation escaped into the wild last October. It’s gotten some positive reviews. It’s also gotten neutral and negative reviews.

Authors, naturally, prefer the first kind of review. Who wouldn’t? We want people to like the work that we create.

But neutral and negative reviews are a fact of life, because human diversity is a fact of life. Every book is a meeting of the author’s words and the reader’s mind. Sometimes the words aren’t what a particular reader needs; sometimes they fit into a reader’s mind like the last piece of a puzzle. It just depends.

Even if we know this, a rejection of our work can feel personal. But that’s not the case. It can’t be the case, because reviewers generally don’t know authors. All they have to go by is the book. And as personal as a book review might feel to the author, to the reviewer, it…isn’t.

So what might help authors put the gamut of reviews into perspective? I was thinking about job interviewing as an analogy. It’s not that much of a stretch, because most writers view their writing as a career. Let’s see:

• The candidate (author) submits a resume (book) to an HR director (reviewer, or site/periodical contact).
• There’s usually a pre-screening, wherein resumes that don’t fulfill qualifications (books that don’t fit with reviewer interests) are not considered.
• And then? Interviews.

Here’s where the analogy breaks down a bit, because the interviewer passes judgment on the candidate—that’s the author, in our analogy. But a fair book reviewer passes judgment on a book, not an author.*

That’s the part that a lot of authors—including me—struggle with. If a work is so personal to us, how can a rejection not also be personal?

Let’s go back to the analogy for our answer. A candidate might not be selected for a job. Does this mean the candidate is worthless? No. The candidate has had other jobs in the past. Those went fine. What this means, then, is that the candidate was not the right match for this particular job.

In other words, it’s a matter of taste. Remember? The puzzle pieces? Just as a job candidate might not impress an interviewer, a book might not resonate with a reviewer.

An author can only control the words in a book, not its reception. A candidate can only control his or her behavior, not the interviewer’s response to it.

Fine, fine. But the candidate, and the author, went to that interview for a reason.** The candidate (author) really wanted that job (positive review). So what can a candidate do if that’s not the end result?

There are two responses in the corporate world that are considered professional:

• Politely thank the HR director for his or her time.
• Say nothing.

That’s it. Because we’re assuming the candidate really wants the job. And these two responses are the ones that leave all doors open. You never know, after all–maybe another spot will open up in the future, and the HR director will look at a revised resume. In the same way, a reviewer might be willing to give the author’s next book a try.

It’s perfectly natural to feel disappointed if a job interview, or a book review, doesn’t pan out. But this is a career we’re talking about; to get a second chance, the candidate and the author must be professional. And the next interview will be that much easier to deal with, no matter how it goes.

###

*In fact, I would say a fair book review can include any content except for personal judgments about, or attacks on, the author. A review that includes these has stopped being a book review.

**What about unsolicited reviews, like feedback on retail sites? To stretch the analogy, we can think of those reviewers as headhunters: always seeking the right candidate—that is, a book that floats their boat. Again, they’re judging match.

Mr. R: You did good listening, coming to the secret cave for our plot, Little Miss R.

Little Miss R: Call me Ariel.

Mr. R: Fine, Ariel. But this is why we’re here, Little Miss–ah, Ariel. Mommy has a lot of work to do; did you know that? Everything Mommy is working on for all her jobs—it’s all due sometime in January. It’s called a deadline.

Little Miss R: Ok, but remember, I’m Ariel. I’m a princess mermaid. Fairy.

Mr. R: Fine, fine. You’re all those things. Anyway, We don’t want Mommy to forget us, do we?

Little Miss R: (horrified voice) No!

Mr. R: Then here’s what I have in mind: tonight we’re going to wake her up a whole bunch. Both of us.

Little Miss R: Can I be a fairy mermaid pirate?

Mr. R: Sure.

Little Miss R: I will holler during the night. “Arrr, matey!”

Mr. R: No, no, we want to keep her sympathy.

Little Miss R: What is sympee?

Mr. R: Never mind. I’m thinking you could have [description of dramatic bodily function, redacted to preserve LMR’s youthful dignity]. And do it during the night. When the clock starts with 3, ok?

Little Miss R: Ok! And then I will pretend to go back to sleep. But I will holler again. “Arr, matey!”

Mr. R: (stern look)

Little Miss R: I mean, I will holler that my foot hurts. But it won’t really.

Mr. R: Great. We’ll let Mommy take care of you the first time. The second time—when you’re pretending to have a hurt foot—it’ll be my turn to come. But I won’t wake up! Isn’t that fun? So Mommy will wake up again, and have to wake me up. And then when I’m done talking to you about your foot—

Little Miss R: It’ll be fine! My foot won’t really hurt!

Mr. R: I know. When I’m done talking to you about it, I’ll come back into my room and tell Mommy about it. Just to make sure she stays awake.

Little Miss R: Ok! But what if she goes to sleep and forgets us then?

Mr. R: Hmm. How about this? I’ll fall asleep right away, but I’ll move around a lot. And then I’ll elbow her in the head.

Little Miss R: Ok!

Mr. R: And then I’ll keep doing it. If she’s awake, she can’t forget about us, right? Even if we’re asleep.

Little Miss R: Ok! And can we sleep late and both be cranky when Mommy wakes us up?

Mr. R: Yes. We should do that.

Little Miss R: Ok!

Mr. R: All right, that’ll be the plan. Now let’s go back into the house. Mommy thinks we’re reading a story, but if we’re gone too long, she might figure out about the secret room. Here, give me your robe imprinted with mysterious celestial symbols.

Little Miss R: Whachoo say?

Mr. R: Your robe. I’ve got it. Whoops, and let me just turn off the cauldron.

Little Miss R: I’m so excited for our plan!

Mr. R: I think it’ll be a great success.

###

*record scratch* Buh?

Yes. The Hangover. I let Mr. R pass that off as a romantic movie. Because, after all, it includes both 1) a dude who’s supposed to get married and does, and 2) a dude who’s not supposed to get married but accidentally does anyway (as one does when one goes to Las Vegas).

At the end of the movie, there’s a wedding. Which, I realized, looks exactly like ALL other movie weddings in the last five years where the people actually get married. Which all look completely UNlike movie weddings where the people do not actually get married.

The point of this post—besides giving myself compliments on being so tolerant of Mr. R’s movie selections—is this:

Movie weddings aren’t like real weddings.

Ta da! I know, it’s the newsiest of new news.

Let me demonstrate with a table. Which, let’s face it, is the REAL point of this post. I like making tables, and I didn’t do any kind of 2011 wrap-up, so hopefully this will give the post an appropriately portentous air.

*Unless the movie is Father of the Bride. Then there are 2342034 guests.

**That is, the regular kind for what one of my friends called a “white person wedding.” I’m well aware that not all weddings are like this in either real life or movies. Just scrutinize the table for evidence of the latter.

What am I forgetting? Attendants? Cake?  If you’re married, was your wedding anything like Movie Wedding Type 1 or 2?

No one’s asking me to be a lyricist. That is a sadness for the world.

But! A point of joy for me? Romance author Vanessa Kelly–she who wrote the witty-sweet Sex and the Single Earl (best title evah) and My Favorite Countess (most delightful redemption of a villainess heroine) (yes, villainess heroine)–has invited me to guest blog with her.

I jumped at the chance. I made tables. I told Vanessa, “THERE WILL BE BLOOD. Fun, festive blood!”

Her response: “Great! I love festive blood.”

A woman after my own heart.

So, the post is up today! There’s not really any blood, but there really are tables. (Sorry. I can’t be stopped.) Meander over to read about the Twelve Days after Christmas, Regency-style, and leave a comment for a chance to win Season for Temptation. The giveaway’s open until Friday, I think, so swing by soon. See you there!

Come by and check it out! Yup, there’s a book giveaway: a signed copy of SEASON FOR TEMPTATION is going to one random commenter.

Also—psst, secret. Lime’s going to give a Kindle copy of SFT away on Twitter sometime today. Are you following her? @Limecello? Yes, yes, yes.

The lovely bloggers of Not Another Romance Blog and Ramblings From This Chick have organized “12 (Historical) Days of Christmas” to give you something new and festive to read every day! This blog series counts down the days till Christmas with all-new scenes by a plethora of historical romance authors.

For example, today’s scenes are by the amazing Anna Campbell and, um, me. I don’t know how I squeaked in here, but I’m so thrilled to be in this lovely company.

The theme for today is “11 Mamas Plotting.” While we didn’t have to write about 11 mamas (the numbers were for organizing the posts), I threw in as many elevens as I could. As for my plotting mama? She’s Gloria, the sister of James, the hero of SEASON FOR TEMPTATION.

Gloria, quite frankly, doesn’t have the best time in SEASON FOR TEMPTATION. Her husband dies in a dramatic way, which kicks off SFT’s plot. She has a rough marriage and a rougher widowhood. Today, she gets to seize a bit of happiness at last.

Hope you enjoy her little story! Be sure to check out the other scenes, too. The series began yesterday with scenes by Sherry Thomas and Sara Lindsey (I KNOW) and will continue through December 23.

Much of this music is lovely. Some of it is…well, maybe not the stuff that musicians’ dreams are made of.

And some of it? Some of it’s very, very creepy.

I realize this is a matter of opinion, but on matters of creepiness, my opinion is correct. (Mr. Rogers? Not creepy. A shrine to Mr. Rogers? Yes. That is creepy.) So let’s review the top five creepiest Christmas songs.

1. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”

I asked a friend which Christmas song she thought was the creepiest, and she said, “The one about how ‘he sees you when you’re sleeping’.”

Already on my list, I told her. Which just proves: the best friends have the same taste in creepy songs.

The creepiness of this song is subtle, yet undeniable. Not only does Santa watch you at all times, but “he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’s sake.” Is that a threat? It kind of sounds like a threat.

2. “Is That You, Santa Claus?”

This carol’s not common, but it makes up for it by being extra foreboding. This makes the lyrics of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” seem like a bubble bath on top of a rainbow. Basically, it’s about fearing one hears a housebreaker and trying to convince oneself it’s Santa. The singer has an intense anxiety reaction, including “my legs feel like straws” and

We don’t believe in no goblins today
But I can’t explain why I’m shakin’ this way.

Goblins! That’s what’s usually missing from Christmas.

The song ends with the fearful singer peering through the peephole and seeing: AN EYE LOOKING BACK AT HIM. I’m not even kidding.

"I'm safe! Time to hit the eggnog."

Want to hear it? Here’s an iTunes preview for you. It’s actually quite fun, as performed by Louis Armstrong–if you don’t listen too closely to the lyrics.

3. “Santa Baby”

I realize this might be a controversial choice, because a lot of people think this song is sassy and fun. But remember: I wield the Creeper Stick, and it’s pointing straight at this coo-filled song in which a gold-digger tries to sweet-talk Santa out of ridiculously lavish gifts. There is something intensely unsavory in the line “Santa cutie,” and in the implied sex-for-security trade of “hurry down my chimney tonight.”

We’ll just leave it at that.

4. “Coventry Carol”

This old carol has one of the loveliest melodies of all songs in the Christmas canon. I adore its sweet mournfulness, so often performed with simple instrumentation. You might have heard this elegant arrangement by Mannheim Steamroller:

But.

There is a reason it is so often performed as an instrumental piece, because–well, the lyrics refer to King Herod’s slaughter of the innocents. Specifically, this verse:

Herod the King, in his raging,
Charged he hath this day;
His men of might, in his own sight,
All children young, to slay.

Then woe is me, poor Child, for Thee,
And ever mourn…

So basically this is a lullaby to get a child to sleep before he or she may or may not be killed by a murderous, power-mad king.

Night night!

5. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

This song is so adorably performed in the movie Elf (my first introduction to it, believe it or not–I run a little behind on pop culture) that one almost doesn’t realize how sinister it is. Basically, a woman says over and over again that she needs to leave, and a man argues with her and stonewalls her departure. Dude. LET HER GO. Oh, lordy–did she just say “what’s in this drink?”

Yes. Yes, she did say that.

Here’s a link to the end credits version, but my heart really belongs to the in-film version where Zooey Deschanel is singing in the shower and Will Ferrell sneaks in and starts singing along. Wow, that sounds super-creepy too, doesn’t it? But it’s actually not.

Honorable Mention: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

A few years ago, this would have been at the top of my Creepmas list for reasons similar to #3. Mom makes out with Santa; kid thinks it’s funny. Wutnow?

But when I was going off on a rant about this–as one does–my mother firmly corrected me. “The father is dressed up as Santa Claus,” she explained. “It’s all a trick on the kid.”

Oh. Really? Are you–really?

Hmm. That helps quite a bit.

If you review the lyrics, there’s no conclusive evidence on the issue of the pater familias as Santa. But it does bring the overall creepiness of the holiday down a smidge, so let’s roll with it. After all, the husband-dresses-up-as-Santa bit worked for Monica and Chandler on Friends.

*             *             *

Ta da! The Top Five Songs of Creepmas, plus a bonus. Do you have a deep and abiding yet non-creepy love for any of these songs? Or are there others you would add to the list?